Anger is one of the most uncomfortable and misunderstood emotions we experience. It’s often seen as something negative, aggressive, or even dangerous, something to be controlled or avoided. Many of us were brought up with the message that anger isn’t acceptable, especially if we were encouraged to be “good,” “polite,” or “easygoing.”
But anger is not the enemy.
Like all emotions, anger exists for a reason. It’s a survival signal, one that tells us something important about our values, our boundaries, and our needs. When we learn to listen to it, rather than fear or suppress it, anger can become a powerful guide towards healing, clarity, and self-respect.
Why Do We Struggle With Anger?
Most people aren’t taught how to understand or express anger in healthy ways. Instead, we learn to either push it down or let it explode. Over time, this can lead to patterns like:
- Suppressing anger to keep the peace
- Redirecting anger inward, which can contribute to anxiety, low mood, or self-criticism
- Expressing anger through passive aggression, sarcasm, or resentment
- Avoiding anger altogether by becoming overly accommodating or conflict-averse
For some, even recognising anger is difficult. You might notice tension in your body, a knot in your stomach, or an urge to withdraw, but not realise that anger is sitting underneath.
This often stems from early experiences where anger was met with rejection, punishment, or silence. If your anger wasn’t validated or understood, you may have learned that it’s safer to hide it away.
What Is Anger Trying to Tell Us?
At its core, anger is a protective emotion. It often shows up when we feel:
- Hurt or rejected
- Disrespected or ignored
- Let down or betrayed
- That a boundary has been crossed
- That something feels unjust or unfair
In this way, anger is often a surface emotion. Beneath it, we might find sadness, fear, shame, or disappointment. But instead of turning those vulnerable emotions inward, anger directs our attention outward, towards action, change, or protection.
This doesn’t mean all expressions of anger are helpful. But it does mean the emotion itself is valid. It deserves our attention, not our shame.
The Cost of Avoiding Anger
When anger is pushed down or denied, it doesn’t disappear. It often resurfaces in other ways:
- Emotional outbursts that seem out of proportion to the situation
- Chronic irritability or feeling constantly on edge
- Passive aggression in relationships
- Withdrawal or shutdown when conflict arises
- Low self-esteem, especially if anger turns inward
- Physical symptoms such as headaches, tension, or digestive issues
Over time, avoiding anger can erode our sense of self. We may begin to question our boundaries, lose our voice in relationships, or struggle to advocate for our needs. And all of this can lead to a quiet build-up of resentment that becomes hard to untangle.
Reframing Anger
In therapy, we begin to gently reframe the way we view anger. Instead of something to fear, we begin to see it as something to understand and work with. Here are some ways we can work with anger rather than against it:
1. Name It
Often, just acknowledging that you feel angry can be powerful. Try saying, “I’m feeling angry right now, and that’s okay.” Naming an emotion reduces its intensity and helps you step back with awareness.
2. Explore What’s Beneath It
Ask yourself, What might this anger be protecting? What just happened that crossed a line for me? Often, anger arises in response to feeling hurt, rejected, or unseen.
3. Express It Safely
Healthy expression doesn’t mean shouting or lashing out. It means allowing your anger to have a voice. This might be through journaling, speaking with a therapist, or having a calm but firm conversation with someone. It’s about speaking from anger, not in it.
4. Notice Your Body
Anger is a very physical emotion. Your jaw might tighten, your shoulders may rise, or your heart might race. Learning to notice these signs helps you respond before reaching boiling point. Techniques like grounding, deep breathing, or taking a pause can help you stay connected to yourself.
5. Understand Your Triggers
Some situations or behaviours may consistently trigger your anger, perhaps criticism, being ignored, or feeling trapped. Therapy can help you understand where these triggers come from and how they may link to earlier experiences.
Anger and Boundaries
One of the most powerful things anger can teach us is where our boundaries lie.
If you find yourself frequently feeling angry in certain relationships, it might be a sign that something needs to change. Perhaps you’re always giving without receiving. Perhaps your time or values aren’t being respected. Or perhaps you’re saying yes when you really want to say no.
Anger reminds us that we have needs. And that those needs are worthy of being heard.
Making Peace with Anger in Therapy
In the therapy room, we make space for anger, often for the first time. Many people come to therapy feeling ashamed of their anger, or frightened by how strong it feels. Some worry they’ll be judged, or that their anger makes them a “bad” person.
But anger is just an emotion, one that many people were never taught how to navigate safely.
Together, we can:
- Unpack the roots of your anger
- Understand how it shows up in your life and relationships
- Reconnect with your needs and boundaries
- Learn how to express your anger in ways that are safe, calm, and honest
- Reclaim your voice, without fear
Therapy doesn’t encourage outbursts or blame. It encourages understanding, responsibility, and compassion, both for yourself and others.
In Summary
Anger isn’t something to fear or suppress. It’s a deeply human response to pain, injustice, and unmet needs. When we learn to work with it, to listen, understand, and express it, we begin to step into a more empowered version of ourselves.
Making peace with anger means making peace with the parts of you that have been silenced. It’s not about reacting more, it’s about responding differently. And it starts with giving yourself permission to feel.
If you’d like to explore your relationship with anger in a safe and supportive space, therapy can help. You’re not too much, too reactive, or too angry, you’re simply ready to be heard.
Bridget
Bridget Jenkins Counselling 