Bridget Jenkins Counselling

Most of us have moments where we feel tense, irritable, or emotionally drained, but we’re not always sure why. These feelings can simmer quietly beneath the surface, showing up as tiredness, a short fuse, or a subtle heaviness we carry through the day.

Often, when we pause to reflect, we find that this emotional weight is linked to unspoken needs, crossed boundaries, or feelings that have gone unaddressed. At the heart of this experience may be a question worth asking:

Where in my life am I holding tension or resentment? And is there a boundary that needs attention?

This question can be the starting point for healing, offering us insight into what’s no longer working, what needs to shift, and how we might begin to care for ourselves with greater clarity and compassion.

What Is Resentment?

Resentment is not a single emotion, but rather a complex emotional experience. It often emerges when underlying emotions, such as anger, sadness, and fear, go unacknowledged or unexpressed over time. You might feel angry about being treated unfairly, sad about feeling unseen or unappreciated, or fearful of what might happen if you speak up or set a boundary.

Rather than arriving suddenly like anger often does, resentment tends to build slowly and quietly. It can show up as:

• Irritation with a partner, colleague, or friend
  
• A growing sense of emotional burden in certain relationships
  
• Avoidance, without a clear understanding of why
  
• Passive aggression or emotional withdrawal
  
• Feeling undervalued, yet unable to voice it
  

Resentment doesn’t always stem from others doing something to us. More often, it’s rooted in what we haven’t done for ourselves, such as expressing a need, saying no, or acknowledging our own limits. It is a signal, not a flaw, and it can gently guide us towards the boundaries and conversations that may be needed.

The Psychology of Boundaries and Resentment

From a psychological perspective, resentment is closely linked to our ability to set and maintain healthy boundaries. A boundary is not a barrier to keep others out, it’s a line that helps us stay connected to ourselves while being in relationship with others.

When boundaries are unclear or not upheld, we may:

• Say yes when we mean no
  
• Offer support we don’t have capacity to give
  
• Avoid conflict at the cost of our own peace
  
• Feel responsible for others’ emotions or wellbeing
  
• Push down our needs in favour of being “nice” or “helpful”
  

These patterns are often learned early in life. If we grew up in environments where our needs weren’t respected, or where approval was tied to being compliant or self-sacrificing, we may have internalised the idea that prioritising ourselves is selfish.

But when we continually override our own needs, our body and mind keep score. Resentment is the signal. It’s a quiet but persistent reminder that something needs to be addressed.

Signs a Boundary May Be Needed

You might need to revisit a boundary if you notice:

• A sense of dread or anxiety around certain interactions
  
• Feeling emotionally drained after spending time with someone
  
• Frequently feeling unappreciated or overlooked
  
• Internal dialogues like, “Why do I always have to be the one to…?”
  
• Replaying conversations in your mind, wishing you’d said something different
  
• Feeling a pressure to be constantly available or agreeable
  

These experiences don’t make you unreasonable. They are gentle nudges from within, letting you know it’s time to reflect and potentially reset.

Why Boundaries Can Be Difficult

Even when we recognise the need for boundaries, putting them into practice can feel challenging, particularly if we’ve learned that harmony, approval, or connection depend on being easygoing or accommodating.

Some common fears that hold us back include:

• “They’ll be upset if I say no.”
  
• “I’ll come across as selfish or cold.”
  
• “I’m not allowed to take up space.”
  
• “They should just know what I need.”
  

But emotional intelligence teaches us that healthy relationships involve clear communication, mutual respect, and personal responsibility. Setting a boundary isn’t about blaming the other person. It’s about honouring your own limits and creating space for authenticity on both sides.

How to Begin Releasing Resentment and Setting Boundaries

Change doesn’t happen overnight. But with self-reflection and support, it is possible to move from quiet frustration to empowered communication.

Here are a few compassionate steps to get started:

1. Identify Where the Tension Lives

Start by noticing where you feel emotional tightness in your life. Is there a specific relationship, situation, or dynamic that leaves you feeling depleted? Pay attention to your body, our physical sensations often reveal what the mind is trying to manage quietly.

2. Name the Unmet Need

Resentment usually points to a need that hasn’t been voiced or fulfilled. That might be the need for rest, appreciation, autonomy, honesty, or space. Ask yourself: What would help me feel more at ease in this situation?

3. Challenge the Guilt

It’s common to feel guilty when setting boundaries, especially if you’ve been a people-pleaser or peacekeeper. Remind yourself that expressing your needs isn’t a rejection of others, it’s an act of self-respect.

4. Start with One Small Step

You don’t have to confront everything at once. Begin with a simple boundary, such as:

• “I won’t be checking work emails after 6pm.”
  
• “I’d love to see you, but I need to rest this weekend.”
  
• “I can listen, but I don’t have the energy to give advice right now.”
  

These small acts of clarity can lead to big changes over time.

5. Reflect, Don’t React

Resentment can make us want to lash out or retreat. But healing begins with reflection. Consider writing your thoughts down or speaking to a therapist to gain insight before addressing a difficult situation.

Therapy as a Safe Space to Reconnect with Boundaries

In therapy, we often explore where boundaries have been blurred, broken, or never established. It’s a space to understand why certain patterns persist, where they began, and how to begin creating new, healthier ways of relating to yourself and others.

We look at the stories you’ve inherited about worth, love, and responsibility. We identify where your emotional needs may have been unmet or misunderstood. And, most importantly, we work together to help you find your voice, one that doesn’t shout, but speaks clearly and kindly.

You don’t need to carry quiet resentment or emotional tension alone. These feelings are messages, not flaws. They are your inner voice asking for space, honesty, and care.

And you’re allowed to listen.