Bridget Jenkins Counselling

“Why can’t I just be like everyone else?”

It’s a painful question, but one that many young people find themselves asking.

For a young person who experiences the world differently from those around them, everyday life can sometimes feel exhausting. School may feel overwhelming, friendships can be difficult to navigate. Things that other people appear to manage easily can require enormous amounts of effort.

For neurodivergent young people, including those with ADHD or autism, these experiences can contribute to anxiety, low mood, worry and a feeling that somehow they don’t quite fit.

And for those still waiting for an assessment, or who don’t have a diagnosis at all, there can be another difficult question:

“Why am I finding this so hard?”

When being different starts to feel like being wrong

Children and teenagers are naturally aware of their peers.

As they grow, belonging becomes increasingly important. They notice who makes friends easily, who can concentrate in lessons, who seems confident socially and who appears able to cope when plans change.

When their own experience doesn’t match what they see around them, comparison can creep in.

Everyone else can do this.

Why do I get so overwhelmed?

Why can’t I concentrate?

Why did I say that?

Why do I always get things wrong?

Over time, these thoughts can affect how a young person sees themselves.

A child who repeatedly hears that they are “too sensitive”, “not listening”, “overreacting”, “disruptive” or “not trying hard enough” may begin to believe that the problem isn’t something they’re struggling with. They may start to believe the problem is them.

That can have a significant impact on confidence and emotional wellbeing.

Anxiety doesn’t always look like anxiety

We often imagine an anxious young person as someone who appears visibly worried or frightened. But anxiety can show itself in many different ways.

It might look like irritability, anger or emotional outbursts. It could be avoiding school, withdrawing from friends, struggling to sleep or experiencing headaches and stomach aches.

Some young people become perfectionists because making a mistake feels unbearable. Others may spend huge amounts of energy trying to hide what they find difficult so that nobody notices they are struggling.

This is why curiosity is so important.

Instead of immediately asking, “How do we stop this behaviour?”, it can be helpful to ask:

“What might this young person be experiencing?”

Helping a young person feel safer being themselves

There isn’t one strategy that will work for every neurodivergent young person. Neurodiversity itself reminds us that brains work differently, so support needs to reflect the individual.

There are, however, things adults can do that may help.

Listen without immediately trying to fix things.
Sometimes a young person needs to know that somebody genuinely wants to understand their experience. “That sounds really difficult” can open a conversation much more effectively than “Don’t worry about it.”

Help them notice what overwhelms them.
Is it noise? Crowds? Uncertainty? Social situations? Changes of plan? Schoolwork? Fear of getting something wrong? Understanding patterns can help young people begin to recognise what they need.

Create predictability where possible.
Knowing what is going to happen, what is expected and what choices are available can reduce some of the uncertainty that contributes to anxiety.

Notice strengths as well as struggles.
When conversations become dominated by what a young person finds difficult, their strengths can disappear from view. Creativity, humour, determination, curiosity, honesty, passion and intense interests are just as much a part of who they are.

Give them permission to communicate differently.
Talking face-to-face isn’t comfortable for everybody. Some young people find it easier to talk while walking, drawing, playing, sitting side-by-side or even writing down what they are feeling.

Most importantly, try not to make “being like everybody else” the goal.

The goal is helping a young person understand themselves, recognise what they need and know that difference doesn’t make them less worthy of friendship, respect or belonging.

How counselling can help

Counselling can give a young person a confidential space to explore what is happening for them without feeling that they have to perform, mask or provide the “right” answer.

It isn’t about changing who they are.

It can be an opportunity to make sense of difficult feelings, explore anxiety and self-esteem, develop ways of managing overwhelming situations and, importantly, begin building a more compassionate understanding of themselves.

A diagnosis can sometimes provide useful answers, but a young person shouldn’t have to wait for a label before their experiences are taken seriously.

Sometimes one of the most valuable things we can offer a young person is the experience of being heard, understood and accepted exactly where they are.